My Daily life with Health Anxiety and Panic Attacks During COVID pandemic.
Periods of saddness and periods of fear. I am not even sure what day it is anymore. I know we are all in this together and everyone is scared.
Each day I get up thankful to be alive, thankful my family is alive, and thankful for one more day we are not sick.
We then have breakfast and the fear overtakes me . My normal “safe” space in times of anxiety is my home and that is not a safe space anymore. With every step out the door we could be bringing in an invader. My husband is a paramedic. Is my husband going to bring home the virus without knowing, will he catch the virus, will we? Will I be the one who doesn’t make it? Will one of my children? Will my husband? How am I going to be able to do this for months on end. Afraid to be close to my husband for fear he may have the virus. Afraid to see my friends even at a six foot distance. Afraid of every sneeze or twinge I feel. Afraid to touch the door knob after anyone until I wash it. Afraid to walk with a friend, or even walk into a grocery store. Making every meal, and being afraid of raw fruits and veggies for they could carry the virus. Is all of this founded by rational thought? NO it definitely is not! Does that matter to me in the moment of shear panic? NO it definitely does not! Do I have several panic attacks a day? YES!
Let me start by saying at the beginning of all of this I had a really bad cold. I couldn’t move past the fear that this was it. I was never tested for COVID because I didn’t meet the requirements. No high fever, no body aches. Just a horrible sore throat, dry nagging cough, extreme tiredness, no taste and no smell due to nasal congestion. I sat for days in fear when I wasn’t improving. My health anxiety which is normally at an eight on a good day has skyrocketed to a 14. As I watch my husband walk out the door for his shift as a paramedic I freeze in fear. How can I protect myself and my family if he is always exposed? There are just so many unknowns to this virus, and as someone who can find a life or death response to a normal minor health issue this is uncomfortable in a good moment and terrifying in most.
I am stuck inside my head with the fear founded or not that he will being this virus home. I make him leave clothes at the door and shower . If we leave the house I make sure everyone showers when we get home before we relax. I don’t let my children sit on the bench while waiting for me on a bike ride. I cry nightly that I will die from this disease and will not be here for my children. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to leave them. How can this be happening. My worst fear ever. A virus no one can control, no one can treat, and it can kill anyone. There are no known risk factors. We don’t know anything about how it mutates. There are so many “we think” “as much as we can tell” To a person with health anxiety those words just mean one thing, “we have no idea”. The thoughts that run daily through my mind:
There is no one that can save me. No one that can be there if I am dying. I will die alone in a room. My worst fear since my anxiety started has been dying and leaving my children and husband behind. Now it is a reality, if this happens to me and no amount of washing my hands, disinfecting, worrying, or reading articles will change it. I can’t control it!!! The media shows terrible sights in NYC. They share the 30-50 year olds dying daily. I am in that age group . A friend who was 59 alive one night dead the next day. It all just builds up, and has no where to go. I can’t control it. I can’t stop it. I tell myself it isn’t me, I am okay, and I will be okay. It doesn’t matter. The thoughts just overtake me. I feel nauseous and tired .
I cry for the time I am losing with my family that doesn’t live with me. My parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, and my family not related by blood. One nephew was only a few months old when we last saw him. I just want to hug him and see that little face. My older nieces and nephews are doing so many new things, and I am missing them. I cry for my children who are missing their friends, missing key moments of high school, and missing their family. They understand the need for social distancing, but they are sad, scared and confused.
I am mad for what we don’t get to experience together as a family. We miss our daily routine, and weekly Starbucks trip. I don’t get to watch my children in their spring sports, international music competitions, and dance competitions. They have put in so much work for these events, and this year they will be on hold. I am mad that I can’t go see my parents and have fun with them. I miss them. I am mad I can’t see my daycare babies. I am missing so many things with them as well.
I am scared. I am scared to leave my house for fear I will catch the virus. I am scared that I will catch this virus, and die. I am terrified I won’t see my children grow up. I cry every night worried about that. I can’t escape that horrible part of this virus. I won’t have the choice if I catch it if I am one of the unlucky ones that can not be helped. There is nothing I can control about that no matter how hard I pray that it be so. I am petrified every thing I am doing is wrong. I don’t give my children enough education, we watch too much tv, I don’t play enough games, they will fall behind in their school work and sports. Everyday this guilt overwhelms me. There is no escape from it. I try to do other things and it is there.
There are times I thank god for this extra time with my teenagers. I have been given these weeks of time with them that I never would have had before. We have played video games, a few board games, read books, talked with family online, made dessert everyday, and watched a lot of television.
I am also thankful for the time to talk with my parents. I chat with them everyday and see their faces. I chat with my sister and nephew everyday and get to be a part of his growing up. It isn’t chatting in person, but I can build a relationship that wasn’t always there before. Living so far away makes it hard sometimes to feel like a part of a family unit that is together all of the time. You tend to feel like you are looking in from the outside. We now feel like an integral part of that unit. Even if there are times we call so we can share our fears we are working together and forming a bond.
I feel guilt everyday at the food I am eating. I eat dessert every day. I eat chocolate everyday . I know I am gaining weight even with walking everyday . I am going to weigh so much more when this is over I think. Then I think well if I am going to die from the virus I want my children to have had dessert with me everyday . I want them to see a mom who is eating carbs, and remember me that way. Not the Mom with the eating disorder who counted every calorie out into her mouth. Then I think this summer everyone will be so embarrassed to be with me because I have gained weight. I feel my stomach and thighs growing daily. How do I escape this reality? I don’t know . I just don’t know.
I know this seems like a poor me post, and maybe it is. I am not good at crisis. Even those without health anxiety will be anxious during this time. I am not trying to diminish anyone’s feelings. I am sharing my own in hopes others will share their experiences. By talking we can defeat this monster in our minds. I am good when I think there is some control or some happy ending. This time there is no control and no happy ending. No way of knowing just what is going to happen, and I am floundering. To all of you out there who may be floundering like me I am here for you, we are here for each other, together we will pull through.
